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Published on:

12th Dec 2022

Ep. 258 - I'll Be Home for Christmas with Julie and Sierra!

Hey y'all! We're baaaack! And Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy are here! We're recapping the Jonathan Taylor Thomas film I'll Be Home for Christmas in which Jessica Biel is the late '90's feminist of our dreams!

If you want to be kind to yourself, check out their first team up A Merry Little Meet Cute! It's the Christmas book I've always wanted.

HB - Make sure you email your 2022 Reading Embrace entries by Dec 30th of this year to be sure you get shouted out in our January episode! You can email those to heavingbosomspodcast at gmail dot com!

Bonus Content: book tours put together with scotch tape and a dream, writing retreat magic, The Ed Man, Aqua, The origins of steak tar tar, the turkey boom of '98, how to be less smelly in Englandtimes, AND SO MUCH MORE!

Next week Jen Comfort will stop by to recap Falling For Christmas, the newest Lindsay Lohan masterpiece.

Make sure to check out Mel's new podcast Bonkers Romance! 

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Transcript
Melody:

Welcome to Heaving Bosoms, the podcast where fantastic long distance

Melody:

friends recap romance novels and other delicious kissing media while going on

Melody:

tangents and laughing her faces off.

Melody:

Hey, hps , I'm back.

Melody:

Uh, and I have to say this is the perfect episode to come back with

Melody:

because things get appropriately silly when you mix J t t holiday shenanigans

Melody:

with real life best friends, Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy, especially

Melody:

when we have to introduce a new segment.

Melody:

Bing Bong.

Melody:

Outlandish history facts with Sierra, but before we get to that, I've got some

Melody:

business to attend to and it's serious.

Melody:

I don't know if you noticed, but it's reading.

Melody:

Embrace Season, y'all.

Melody:

That's right.

Melody:

We have arrived.

Melody:

So send your reading.

Melody:

Embrace entries to Heaving Bosoms podcast@gmail.com

Melody:

by Friday, December 30th.

Melody:

If you want to be shouted out in our celebration episode in January.

Melody:

Look, you've worked so hard on it all year, or maybe you completely

Melody:

forgot and are looking at it for the first time right now.

Melody:

We don't care.

Melody:

It's an embrace.

Melody:

I want to envelop everyone in my bosoms and in your email, if you also wanna

Melody:

use that opportunity to tell a fun or heartwarming story, there's a good

Melody:

chance I'll read it on the podcast.

Melody:

December 30th.

Melody:

It's a hard deadline.

Melody:

I mean, unless you have to email it late, but you also managed to get

Melody:

it in before we record the episode.

Melody:

In that case, you'll probably still make it all right.

Melody:

Again, embrace energy, not challenge energy.

Melody:

I'll have some more announcements coming soon, so stay tuned.

Melody:

Oh, my actual goddess.

Melody:

This week we get to hang out with Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy.

Melody:

They are real life best friends and they co-wrote a Merry Little Meat, cute, which

Melody:

is the Christmas book I've always wanted.

Melody:

There's a plus size porn star who accidentally gets

Melody:

cast in a Hallmark movie.

Melody:

There's a former.

Melody:

Boy band, bad boy who's trying to like make a comeback and revamp his image.

Melody:

Like there's a dive bar called The Dirty Snowball for Rudolph's sake.

Melody:

But in addition to writing a holiday book just for me, they did me the service of

Melody:

introducing me to J T T Christmas Magic.

Melody:

So let's get to the recap of I'll be home for Christmas.

Melody:

Hello,

Sierra:

Hello?

Julie:

Hello?

Julie:

Hello,

Melody:

We have Sierra Simone and Julie Murphy here, and I'm stoked about it.

Melody:

So, I don't know if I told you this, but I'm a Parasocial creeper, and I did

Melody:

know that you two were friends before.

Melody:

but when I heard you guys are writing together, I almost fell over.

Melody:

so that's kinda what I wanna talk about, working with your best friend,

Sierra:

well, we should probably go back to the beginning, shouldn't we, Julie?

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah,

Sierra:

been a long and storied, uh, you know, hero's journey for us.

Julie:

it's true.

Julie:

And it, oh, and it started with like several tropes as well.

Sierra:

yes.

Julie:

One bed

Melody:

Oh,

Sierra:

one bed, forced proximity.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

oh.

Melody:

All the best stories.

Melody:

Ugh.

Julie:

Back in 2014 when we were both YA authors, one of our friends,

Julie:

it was our debut year for a lot of us, and we weren't getting a lot of

Julie:

publisher attention because we were just a bunch of floundering debuts.

Julie:

And one of our friends decided she was going to rent a minivan and drive

Julie:

several of us around the Midwest and visit as many bookstores as we could.

Melody:

Oh,

Julie:

It was really sweet.

Julie:

And also something I would never think to organize myself so good on her.

Julie:

so she called me and said, Hey, I would love for you to

Julie:

come with me and my spouse.

Julie:

Th this is Natalie Parker and Tessa Gratin for anyone wondering.

Julie:

And then, um, you know, could you like, you know, would you be

Julie:

willing to share a bed with this third ya writer, Sierra Simone?

Julie:

And I was like, I don't know who that is.

Julie:

And I hate strangers and I also hate sharing rooms with people.

Julie:

But I don't wanna say no to you cuz our friendship is new and I wanna, I

Julie:

wanna be nice and play well with others.

Julie:

So I said yes and , you know, I flew into Kansas where everybody lived.

Julie:

That's where we were starting, and we drove straight to Sierra's house and I

Julie:

said, hi, I'm Julie Murphy and I snore.

Melody:

Yeah.

Sierra:

And I

Sierra:

said, I said That's okay.

Sierra:

I have narcolepsy and I can sleep through anything

Melody:

Match.

Melody:

Made in

Julie:

Yeah.

Sierra:

made in heaven.

Sierra:

It was, it was really like insta love from then on out.

Julie:

It's so true.

Julie:

So, uh, yeah, it, it really just completely evolved, or should I say

Julie:

devolved from there, Um, we spent a lot of time in the back of a minivan

Julie:

and, um, sipping hot beverages and, and like, you know, napping at will

Julie:

and Yeah, it was just magic.

Melody:

A book tour put together with Scotch Tape and a Dream.

Melody:

I love it.

Sierra:

I love that.

Julie:

what it was.

Sierra:

Exactly what it was.

Sierra:

Perfect description.

Sierra:

And so we like meshed immediately, like just immediately became best friends.

Sierra:

And, uh, we learned through being best friends that we are both vampires

Sierra:

and we have vampire work habits.

Sierra:

And so this not only led to us being sort of like virtual work buddies

Sierra:

in the sense that we would write together at night, sprint together

Sierra:

at night when we were both awake.

Sierra:

but we started doing retreats with just the two of us so that

Sierra:

we could kind of keep our vampire.

Sierra:

work hours going.

Sierra:

so we would have these retreats where we would find a cabin in

Sierra:

the woods, and invariably for our schedules, it would always work

Sierra:

out that it was around Christmas.

Sierra:

And so the cabin would be like all decked out for Christmas.

Sierra:

You know, they'd have all their TJ Max Christmas decorations out or whatever.

Sierra:

And so we would sleep in as late as we wanted and then we would wake up,

Sierra:

you know, a little bit before lunch, and then get started for the day

Sierra:

and then work late into the night.

Sierra:

And we would reward ourselves with Christmas movies and pie when,

Sierra:

when we got all of our words done.

Sierra:

And so that was, that was sort of the, uh, the melu if you, if you will, of how the,

Sierra:

the books itself started to come together.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

hot geniuses.

Melody:

Ugh.

Melody:

Christmas movies and Pie.

Melody:

I can't

Julie:

I

Melody:

wondering that when we were recording yesterday, like why, why

Melody:

it was Christmas movies specifically that you had watched so many like

Melody:

together or talked about or whatever.

Melody:

And this makes a lot more sense.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Hallmark is the reason for the season.

Sierra:

Baby

Melody:

Ah-huh.

Julie:

and so many of these cabins didn't have like Netflix or like

Julie:

anything like that, but we could always find the Hallmark Channel.

Julie:

So, and those play 24 hours a day in December.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

Ah, it's nuts.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Hallmark knows where their bread is.

Melody:

Buttered,

Julie:

Yeah,

Sierra:

a very deep, well, I mean, it's like when you think that, you know, it's

Sierra:

like one of those horror movies where like the hallway stretches on and on and on.

Sierra:

Like that is how many movies Hallmark has.

Sierra:

Like you will never get to the bottom of Hallmark's.

Sierra:

Movie bucket

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Never.

Melody:

And so you decided to take the Hallmark Christmas movie and make it incredible and

Melody:

smutty and fabulous for the romance world.

Julie:

I mean, we tried it all.

Julie:

I mean, we were just sitting there one night with like pie on our chest

Melody:

Yes.

Julie:

and just shoveling it into our face when like we were watching it,

Julie:

especially, I shouldn't say bad, I should say rough around the edges raw

Julie:

and especially raw Hallmark movie.

Julie:

And one of us turned to the other and just was like, this really isn't so

Julie:

different from a lot of other movies that you might watch alone at night.

Julie:

And then it just, Spiraled outta control

Sierra:

It spiraled.

Sierra:

Here's the thing that I'll say about working with your best friend, and you

Sierra:

might know something about this melody because you frequently work with your best

Sierra:

friends, but as a best friend, you're constantly hyping each other up, right?

Sierra:

Like, should I buy this pair of pink pants I found online?

Sierra:

Should I go get myself a little, like, treat from the

Sierra:

refrigerator, should I go do this?

Sierra:

And then the best friend is always like, yeah, yeah, you definitely should, you

Sierra:

should do that because we love each other.

Sierra:

But then when you're working on a project together, It becomes dangerous and you're

Sierra:

like, oh my God, that's amazing idea.

Sierra:

Let's do that.

Sierra:

That's an amazing idea.

Sierra:

Let's do that.

Sierra:

And then we just never said no to each other.

Sierra:

through the entire process.

Julie:

and here we are.

Sierra:

And here we are.

Melody:

I mean, Sarah, you were the accidental victim of Jenny and Katie

Melody:

and I figuring out that like that's our dynamic as a trio with peculiar

Melody:

tastes like, and this, we, we came to you as it as an anthology, and

Melody:

then by the end of it there was a Kickstarter, there was all of the art.

Melody:

It was

Sierra:

Sexy stickers.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

like

Julie:

As a bystander, I have to say that watching that process happen, like it

Julie:

was suddenly like, Hey, I am like, you know, putting away or putting aside like

Julie:

a week or two to write the anthology, and suddenly it was like I wrote a book,

Melody:

I wrote a book.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

on Kickstarter.

Sierra:

To be fair, that is the sea amount process where I'm like, I'm just gonna

Sierra:

write this short little anthology story.

Sierra:

And then I'm like, oh, I, I accidentally wrote a whole book, Whoops,

Sierra:

I do that to

Melody:

I mean, and

Melody:

thankfully, pretty much all of the authors did the same thing, which was amazing

Melody:

cuz we were like, can we make them books?

Melody:

And then we realized, oh, we have them already.

Melody:

This is a great

Sierra:

But it's a really like generative process

Melody:

Mm

Sierra:

what I found is that when you're not with people that you trust, you

Sierra:

know, implicitly and intellectually and creatively, you don't, you

Sierra:

don't find yourself in that space.

Sierra:

You don't find yourself in that what if or what if we did this space?

Sierra:

Because you're so worried about kind of guarding your yourself, you know?

Sierra:

And so when you're with someone that you already trust, or those

Sierra:

boundaries are already lowered, I think that allows you to be so much more

Sierra:

expansive and lateral in your thinking, and that's how you end up with a.

Sierra:

Dirty Christmas book that's sort of wholesome and also has a time

Sierra:

traveling Duke and a boy band in it, , because you just never say no to each

Melody:

That's right.

Melody:

That's right.

Melody:

And that's what makes it beautiful, Yeah.

Melody:

I love the book.

Melody:

Um, I'm so excited that y'all are doing another one.

Melody:

It's amazing.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

And you brought me another treat today that I had never seen.

Melody:

Uh, we're doing, I'll be home for Christmas with the one and

Melody:

only Jonathan Taylor Thomas,

Sierra:

J T T J.

Julie:

it's a

Julie:

T.

Julie:

t.

Melody:

And an adorable Jessica Beal.

Julie:

Oh my gosh.

Julie:

So adorable.

Sierra:

Well, and.

Sierra:

Julie had messaged me and been like, is Jessica Bee like an adult woman in this?

Sierra:

Like she looks like she's an adult woman.

Sierra:

And I looked it up and she was only 16 or 17 when she made the movie.

Sierra:

It's just, we didn't know how to dress teenagers in the nineties, I guess.

Sierra:

And so

Julie:

Or how to properly portray college, like the college experience.

Julie:

What is it?

Melody:

it high school?

Melody:

Was it boarding school?

Melody:

I had so many questions at the beginning of the movie.

Julie:

know, I know.

Julie:

Oh, okay.

Julie:

I guess we should tell everyone what the movie is,

Melody:

Yes.

Melody:

Yeah, so we're trying to get Jonathan Taylor, Thomas home for Christmas, uh,

Melody:

except he really doesn't wanna do that.

Melody:

so, j t t as like a slick operator was really, really fun.

Melody:

I don't know cuz he is so goddamn charming, just naturally

Julie:

I like, this is probably too much information for me to divulge

Julie:

in a podcast, but I come from like a, a family of organized crime and

Julie:

it really did something for me to see like cute little boys, a conman.

Julie:

I was like, oh, this is sweet.

Julie:

This is the happily ever after I've been dreaming of.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So he starts off and he's got like, he's got like a, a friend or a

Melody:

lackey who really knows poor Ian.

Melody:

and it seems like j t t is the brains of the operation.

Melody:

And then Ian actually does the legwork for all of his schemes and he is in

Melody:

a bit of a pickle because he wants to go to Cabos and Lucas for Christmas

Melody:

with his girlfriend and she wants a family snow ridden reindeer on the roof

Melody:

Christmas, and they cannot understand why the other one wants what they want.

Sierra:

Can I, can I just pause real fast and say that at the beginning of

Sierra:

the movie, Jonathan Taylor Thomas has gotten a ticket to go home to see his

Sierra:

family, which is a ticket to New York, and he goes to Ian the lackey and says,

Sierra:

turn these into two tickets to Cabo St.

Sierra:

Louis by hacking into the net.

Sierra:

And then his lackey says, okay.

Sierra:

And then he goes and he hacks into the net and he turns it

Sierra:

into two tickets to Kaho St.

Julie:

he also ask for business class

Sierra:

maybe.

Melody:

I think so.

Sierra:

But it's also in the same breath where he asked for backstage passes to

Sierra:

Dave Matthews band, which is awesome.

Sierra:

I mean, that's, that's when I fell in love with j t t cuz I was a big D M B fan in

Sierra:

my youth . So I was like, that's right.

Sierra:

J t t knows what's up.

Sierra:

Let's go see Dave Matthew's Band.

Julie:

I just really love that they are college students in this and everyone

Julie:

else in this movie, all the extras and side characters other than Ian, j t

Julie:

t, and Jessica Bele look like actual, like, you know, seniors in college.

Julie:

But these three inexplicably look like they're 14.

Melody:

Ab.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

. Yeah.

Julie:

can you even drive?

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

And the college has lockers in the hallway.

Julie:

Is this like, is this anyone else's college experience?

Melody:

is, what hap What's hap That's why I was like, is it

Melody:

a high school boarding school?

Melody:

I don't know.

Julie:

And then it flashes up on screen.

Julie:

It's like LA College or whatever, like whatever Bland's name has.

Melody:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, So, boy does Ian hack into that net?

Melody:

And she's super pissed because she's like, you can't, you can't

Melody:

just take over my Christmas plans.

Melody:

Like, that's ridiculous.

Melody:

Stop being a selfish monster basically.

Melody:

But also stop being so cute cuz I can't stay mad at you.

Melody:

And that dynamic was really perfect for the actors in, in general, . so then

Melody:

as they're walking to class, there's.

Melody:

Eddie, the man, ed man.

Melody:

Do can, can somebody explain Eddie for me?

Julie:

Eddie.

Julie:

Eddie is like, okay, hear me out.

Julie:

Eddie is the book two hero.

Julie:

If this were a book, Eddie is the

Sierra:

Yes, yes,

Julie:

He is, he's like the asshole bully who every once in a while you

Julie:

think, oh, he could be charming.

Sierra:

yes.

Julie:

he just really does some irredeemable things.

Julie:

But I have to admit, like I, I had a little bit of a lady

Julie:

boner for Eddie growing up.

Julie:

I was like, you could be mean to me.

Julie:

I would accept it.

Melody:

I could watch you be mean to other people.

Sierra:

And, and Eddie is very like, singular in his goal, which is kind

Sierra:

of like a good foil to j t t who almost has the opposite of goals.

Sierra:

Like he does not want to do things.

Sierra:

And so, but Eddie, all Eddie wants is to impress Jessica Bee with his car.

Sierra:

A

Julie:

Right.

Julie:

A

Sierra:

it is?

Sierra:

A pathfinder,

Julie:

It's a pathfinder

Sierra:

So he is, he's trying to impress her as they're walking to

Sierra:

class and he ends up backing into a Beamer, and then he is like, Aw man.

Sierra:

Aw, shucks.

Melody:

Uhhuh.

Julie:

Plants foiled.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And j t t's like finger guns and I'm out.

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

And his, his singular obsession with Jessica Beal is kind of amazing in

Melody:

this book because, you know, or in this movie, because, you know, in

Melody:

book two, like when he finds the right person for his affection, oh,

Sierra:

Yes.

Sierra:

Yes.

Sierra:

And she does not make it easy on him.

Sierra:

She is like, she, she is like, she's

Julie:

she is like the quintessential 1999 feminist.

Sierra:

yes

Melody:

mm-hmm.

Julie:

don't you, don't you dare say any of these awful things in my presence.

Julie:

And also let's listen to Alanis.

Melody:

Yes.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah, I vibed with her hard.

Melody:

alright, so then we find out, because his dad calls and we find out that he hasn't

Melody:

been home because there is a dead mom.

Melody:

Um, poor j t t, dead mom alert, he can't really handle it.

Melody:

And there's a stepmom now and that seems to be the pivotal issue as to

Melody:

why he hasn't come home for a while.

Sierra:

We also learn a very key piece of information, which is that

Sierra:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas's dad is lumber from office space, which I find very

Sierra:

relevant, and his little sister is Margie from Zenon Girl of the 23rd century.

Sierra:

That's not here nor

Melody:

where she's from.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

I was looking at her face being like, where are you?

Sierra:

I was like, why am I seeing Zoom, zoom, zoom in my head.

Sierra:

That's right.

Sierra:

Xenon

Melody:

Yeah, he was also the data guy on Veep, and I swear to God, he

Melody:

looks identical to what he did in this

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

.Yeah.

Melody:

I don't understand how time works

Julie:

He actually just could have been like early stages of his career.

Julie:

Like we could, we could argue that this is just a prequel to Veep.

Melody:

Yeah, absolutely.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

This is what happens when he, when he goes home, , every once in a while

Melody:

when he leaves the office Um, yeah.

Melody:

So the dad really, really, really wants him to come home and he's just

Melody:

like, oh, like, I don't, and he's making up every excuse in the book.

Melody:

I have to join a circus, I have to do anything else.

Melody:

And the dad's like, okay, if you come home and you're home by 6:00

Melody:

PM on Christmas Eve for dinner, I will give you the Porsche that

Melody:

they've been re What's that word?

Melody:

Why am I blanking?

Melody:

Restoring Thank you, Sierra.

Melody:

Oh God, yeah.

Melody:

They've been restoring it together

Julie:

I was gonna say, giving it a makeover,

Julie:

which is the wrong thing.

Sierra:

No, it's the same thing.

Sierra:

It's the same thing.

Melody:

It

Julie:

Porsche Makeover.

Sierra:

Makeover,

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So J T D right now is like, all right, there's literally nothing

Melody:

that can stop me from getting home.

Sierra:

except for the consequences of his own actions.

Melody:

man, he thinks he's a slick operator, but boy does he

Melody:

get like stuck on a fly paper.

Melody:

Oh, it's terrible.

Melody:

. It's terrible.

Melody:

So he has this, he does, he does bad fake IDs for a bunch of

Melody:

big, giant jocks and to make up

Julie:

who definitely don't need fake IDs just to like reinforce the site.

Julie:

This fact that like he is definitely 14 and everyone else is 24.

Melody:

Th those three were 35.

Melody:

If they were a day like, uh, , they were my peers.

Melody:

Hard Um, so anyway, to make up for it.

Melody:

He's like, I'll get you answers for history class, and

Melody:

then you can pass the test.

Melody:

Except that Eddie sees the plan going down and he follows Ian, poor sweet Ian.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

He only gets abused throughout this whole movie.

Melody:

I

Julie:

Justice for Ian.

Melody:

book three,

Julie:

Ian is

Melody:

Ian book three

Sierra:

yeah,

Julie:

a novella.

Julie:

You know

Sierra:

yeah,

Melody:

absolutely.

Melody:

And so he stops him from giving the history answers via beepers.

Sierra:

This is a key part I feel like, is that the way

Sierra:

they're gonna cheat on the test?

Sierra:

Is that the cheaters get the, the beepers and they have them in class, and then

Sierra:

the beepers will flash with the answers like, number one, Frederick Douglas.

Sierra:

like they couldn't remember Frederick Douglas from fourth grade history.

Julie:

They're 35.

Julie:

It's been a while.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So he stops him.

Melody:

He puts him in his locker again.

Melody:

He locks him in his locker.

Melody:

Poor

Julie:

in college.

Julie:

His locker in college?

Melody:

the one.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Still just as restrictive.

Melody:

It's really odd.

Melody:

Uh, yeah.

Melody:

And so then the jocks are really super mad and they track j t t down at a.

Melody:

and his plan, he's already made up with Jessica Beal and he's like,

Melody:

I'll pick you up in the morning.

Melody:

I've got two tickets back home and I am a selfish mess

Melody:

because I only want him Porsche.

Melody:

However it seems like I'm being a great boyfriend.

Melody:

And she's like, yay, see you tomorrow at 8:00 AM So he is getting

Melody:

sloshed at this party, but he gets kidnapped by the jocks to get back

Melody:

at him for making them ruin history

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

And then he wakes up in the morning and they do a big hangover on him.

Melody:

I feel like How

Julie:

He literally has a Santa beard glued to his face and

Julie:

wakes up in like Joshua Tree,

Melody:

right?

Julie:

don't know.

Sierra:

The desert with like buzzards or vultures or whatever.

Sierra:

Yeah,

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Like they

Julie:

whole

Julie:

Santa suit.

Melody:

Um, and then they put him out in the desert and they really, I'm

Melody:

sorry, this is my 35 year old mind.

Melody:

They, they could have killed him.

Melody:

Like,

Melody:

that's .That's

Julie:

yeah,

Sierra:

yeah,

Julie:

These are like the stories that Park Rangers warn

Julie:

you about when you go out to

Melody:

Absolutely.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

But he's in pretty good spirits when he wakes up.

Sierra:

It seems to me like he's like, oh man.

Julie:

not again.

Sierra:

Yeah, right.

Sierra:

He's not panicking.

Sierra:

Nearly the amount that I read A Sweet Valley High once where they were lost in

Sierra:

the desert overnight and it's no joke.

Sierra:

It's very scary.

Sierra:

So I would've

Melody:

it is.

Melody:

It's very scary.

Melody:

And like, when, when is the dehydration gonna get to you?

Melody:

Where, when, is that a mirage or is it not?

Melody:

I don't know.

Sierra:

Right?

Sierra:

And doesn't the desert get really cold in the winter because there's no moisture in

Sierra:

the air to like hold heat in or something.

Julie:

There's so much science in that sentence.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

? Yep.

Julie:

Uhhuh.

Sierra:

Anyway, made the Santa beard, kept him warm.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah, that's the thing, right?

Melody:

Like the Santa, the whole Santa suit helped during the very, very cold night.

Melody:

And then it gets extra dangerous during the day because it's a, like,

Melody:

all of it I feel like is glued to him.

Melody:

They put super glue on the hat.

Melody:

I think they put super glue on the collar.

Melody:

So what's her name?

Melody:

Jessica Beal is waiting for him to get picked up at like 8:00 AM

Melody:

and she's like, he stood me up.

Melody:

He's the worst.

Melody:

But Eddie's there to save the day.

Sierra:

With his pathfinder.

Julie:

this should have been Eddie's story.

Julie:

I'm just saying,

Julie:

you know.

Sierra:

And, and Eddie lose her into the Pathfinder by telling her

Sierra:

he has butt warmers on his seat.

Sierra:

And that is Julie and i's love language.

Sierra:

Like I would be like, okay, I'm in like, say no more

Melody:

Thank you for thinking of me and my behind.

Sierra:

Yes.

Sierra:

When you bought this

Sierra:

car,

Julie:

because it's not for warming butts, it's for easing

Julie:

the, the pain in my lower back

Julie:

cause I'm 30 something, whatever, however old I

Sierra:

if you're ever having period cramps, I highly recommend going for a

Sierra:

drive with them on high and that just like heat seeping through your lower back.

Sierra:

Oh, it's so nice.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

That's really good.

Melody:

Well, yeah.

Melody:

And so she's like, there are ground rules.

Melody:

If you say anything, I'll slug you.

Melody:

If you try to fuel me up, I'll slug you.

Melody:

I really did appreciate that.

Melody:

She said no, sexist racist or homophobic jokes in my presence.

Melody:

Like that actually made me really happy

Sierra:

Yeah, for, for 1998.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

I was, I was pretty impressed by that.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah, absolutely.

Melody:

I, I watched, um, clueless again last year after a while and I was like, ah, oh no.

Melody:

Like there's so much in it that did not age well.

Sierra:

Paul Rudd has not aged, but that movie has

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

. Mm-hmm.

Melody:

. So he gets to a desert, mechanic shop basically.

Sierra:

General Stor trading, post I,

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

It's all of those

Sierra:

pony Express, stop.

Sierra:

I'm not really sure.

Melody:

he tries to call his dad and his dad thinks that he is pulling

Melody:

a fast one on him again, and he is like, I'm not sending you money.

Melody:

No, this is ridiculous.

Melody:

Like, we have a deal, get home or don't.

Melody:

And I appreciated that out of Dad.

Sierra:

I really, I really thought that was really clever character work.

Sierra:

To have something, to have a character who's constantly telling Outlander

Sierra:

stories as sort of this slick con man and then to have him thrown into a

Sierra:

genuinely like banana ball situation that he can't even explain without people

Sierra:

thinking he is lying cuz he lies so much.

Sierra:

Like, I thought that was a really good like setup for the whole movie.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Melody:

Because there's no other reason for this very privileged, very caring

Melody:

dad to be like, go fuck yourself, be home for Christmas, or don't

Sierra:

yeah.

Sierra:

Right, right.

Melody:

It makes so much sense.

Melody:

So then old ladies come to the

Sierra:

Yes.

Melody:

and they're like, oh, I heard that your dad won't help

Melody:

you get home for Christmas.

Melody:

And he's like, he does the lying thing again.

Melody:

I don't even think he needs to, it's just like knee jerk reaction is, Nutty story.

Melody:

So he tells them that his dad has an operation and he, he needs to get there

Melody:

to be there in time to like be there when the anesthesia wears off or whatever.

Melody:

And she's like, oh sweetie, darling, get into the backseat.

Melody:

We're going to Vegas and we'll get you that far

Sierra:

To see Tom Jones.

Sierra:

We're going to Vegas to see Tom Jones

Melody:

Jones girls.

Sierra:

And I was like, even in the nineties, Shirley, he

Sierra:

was old and they were old.

Sierra:

But indeed the old ladies are very old.

Sierra:

I mean, they are.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

It was one of those movie like mo movie moments where I'm like,

Julie:

these people are no longer alive.

Julie:

For sure.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

.Yeah.

Melody:

Especially that one that lost her teeth,

Melody:

you

Melody:

know?

Melody:

Definitely not around anymore.

Melody:

Um, yeah, so Shenanigans and Sue in the car, he's not feeling well because he was

Melody:

drunk and or roofied the night before.

Julie:

And his beard gets ripped off, though.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Julie:

They rip off his beard, and I just have to say, it does not look like he's

Julie:

had permanent adhesive stuck to his face.

Julie:

That was movie Magic.

Julie:

J t t.

Melody:

Yeah,

Melody:

he has every single layer of skin still intact and it's not physically possible.

Julie:

yeah,

Sierra:

Right.

Sierra:

yeah.

Julie:

and Moisturized.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So he ends up like throwing up in the car because the old ladies are

Melody:

being old with like pickles and teeth and stuff, can't handle it.

Melody:

Throws up in one of their handbags and gets kicked the hell out.

Melody:

Which I was like, good on you

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

. Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Way to have good boundaries.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Don't throw up in my mom's purse.

Sierra:

That's a, a good boundary for all of

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Melody:

Although there was one time I was in a cab with a friend and I didn't

Melody:

wanna get thrown out of the cab, and so, uh, she was gonna throw up and I

Melody:

did just put my purse underneath her

Julie:

that's some

Julie:

self-sacrifice.

Melody:

into my purse.

Sierra:

would never let someone forget that.

Julie:

No,

Sierra:

I mean, like you're paying for every Airbnb,

Sierra:

every girl's trip from now on.

Julie:

because you

Julie:

puked in my

Melody:

know, That's friendship.

Julie:

Yeah,

Sierra:

That's

Julie:

man.

Julie:

You're

Melody:

friendship.

Melody:

in college.

Julie:

real.

Julie:

Ride or die?

Julie:

Real ride or die

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So when he gets thrown out across the giant highway with, you know,

Melody:

four lanes of traffic or whatever he sees Allie stopped at a little

Melody:

roadside farmer's market situation

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Like buying avocados or something.

Melody:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Just on our road trip.

Sierra:

Gonna buy a watermelon or like a

Julie:

can I just pause for a minute and say, who drives home for

Julie:

Christmas when you are literally driving from coast to coast?

Melody:

No one.

Julie:

Because that's, if you combine those two round, like the whole

Julie:

round trip, that's half your college, that's half your winter break.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Julie:

So I'm, I'm really, uh, interested to know the philosophy

Julie:

behind, like the drive versus the flying.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Maybe Eddie is scared of flying or something.

Melody:

Ooh,

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

He has to overcome that in book two.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

yeah, yeah,

Melody:

He, oh my God.

Melody:

He ends up flying for her

Sierra:

It'll be his grand gesture.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

Ah, yeah.

Melody:

I like

Julie:

Oh

Julie:

man.

Melody:

I'm really glad we wrote this together

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

So Eddie sees j t t and he is like, hooah, get in the car, we gotta go.

Melody:

And she's very confused because she did not see the Santa across the way that

Melody:

looks suspiciously like her boyfriend.

Melody:

And he's like, no, please stop.

Melody:

And they don't.

Melody:

So he ends up trying to hitchhike and he's out there for like,

Melody:

I don't know, a day and a half

Melody:

Like it was

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

It was a

Julie:

long time

Sierra:

he is like to mountains somehow.

Julie:

somehow Like Colorado,

Sierra:

yeah, like I wa I wasn't sure what mountains he had gotten to by

Sierra:

this point, but he's to some mountains and he has to sleep in a sleigh one

Sierra:

night, like a, like the town squares decoration of like a Santa Claus sleigh.

Melody:

That was so

Sierra:

then it was cute.

Sierra:

He gets kicked out in the morning.

Melody:

And.

Julie:

by a stuff Santa, like by the Santa that is actually supposed to sit

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And he had thrown the stuff Santa out.

Melody:

I'm sitting there with my six year old and when that stuff Santa poked at him

Melody:

and looked like it was talking, both of us had a, had a frightened reaction

Melody:

and like, that makes sense for him.

Melody:

Okay.

Melody:

But I'm a grown ass

Melody:

woman.

Melody:

Anyway, somebody was holding that stuff Santa and it wasn't nearly

Melody:

as scary as I thought it was.

Melody:

Um, I thought this had turned into like an animatronic nightmare.

Melody:

I don't know.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

it really got me

Sierra:

It's like an episode of Dr.

Sierra:

Who, where like the stuffed Santa has come to

Melody:

Oh God.

Melody:

Ugh.

Melody:

Oh, it's like that mannequin episode.

Melody:

Oh.

Julie:

Oh,

Julie:

yeah, that's a good episode.

Melody:

It really is . , yeah.

Melody:

And so he is walking on the side of the road and then this, this disaster

Melody:

criminal, this sweet, sweet disaster.

Melody:

Criminal decides that it's more important to get his one slice of tomato off the

Melody:

floor in the passenger side, uh, foot.

Melody:

Well then like drive in the snow.

Melody:

It's fantastic.

Melody:

It's shenanigans.

Julie:

it's total shenanigans.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

He nearly hits him on the side of the road.

Melody:

He stops and he is like, I've killed Santa.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

But then he finds him 30 feet if it was an inch, like he slid so far, It was amazing.

Melody:

But then they get into the car and he's like, oh yeah, I'll get you as

Melody:

far as this place, or whatever okay.

Melody:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas is like, it's been two hours.

Melody:

Like I can't have this conversation about how you almost killed me again.

Melody:

And meanwhile, he's still holding the same burger and the same one slice of tomato.

Melody:

And I just loved it.

Melody:

I don't know, I just loved it.

Sierra:

It was very

Julie:

to the burger.

Melody:

Uhhuh.

Sierra:

Yeah,

Julie:

He, maybe he's our novella.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Sierra:

I was gonna say, I cannot get a read on this criminal character, like

Sierra:

his motivations other than sandwiches.

Sierra:

Like he reminds me of this kid I knew in high school who used to steal

Sierra:

perfume from the perfume store in the mall, but had no plan for it.

Sierra:

Like would just have a trunk full of perfume Like he didn't

Sierra:

know what steps came next.

Sierra:

He just knew to steal perfume and then was like, I don't know now.

Sierra:

And then he just had a trunk full of perfume that he would give girls.

Sierra:

He was trying to date

Melody:

I mean, you know

Julie:

I mean, I think that's kinda sweet.

Julie:

Kinda.

Julie:

I don't, I'm broken is I

Julie:

think the moral of the story.

Julie:

Yeah,

Melody:

Julie.

Sierra:

You're like, oh, crime,

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

Crime.

Julie:

Did someone say crime?

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So they get pulled over because they speed to try and catch Allie and

Melody:

Eddie, who they see on the road.

Sierra:

who, by the way, all and Eddie are listening to one of my

Sierra:

favorite aqua songs in the car.

Sierra:

So they're jamming out to Aqua

Julie:

and I think that J t t literally says, oh my gosh, it's so good.

Julie:

I think it literally says like, follow that Pathfinder.

Melody:

Yes.

Sierra:

Follow that.

Sierra:

Pathfinder

Melody:

it's perfection.

Melody:

Start to

Melody:

finish.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

So he, in order to get out of this ticket, j t t jumps into the

Melody:

driver's seat, puts on his beard, and he's like, hello, officer.

Melody:

Oh, we're just speeding to give all of these presents to a bunch of kids.

Melody:

And the criminals sitting next to him is like, no, I was going to a fence.

Melody:

And J g t is like, and then the, the officer's like, oh, great.

Melody:

I will get you there

Julie:

I'll escort you.

Melody:

than you could ever get there on your own.

Melody:

And they're like, fuck me sideways.

Melody:

I don't know how we're gonna get out of this.

Melody:

So they follow the police officer to the hospital and they're

Melody:

like, okay, you got us here.

Melody:

Please leave.

Melody:

Please leave.

Melody:

And the guy's like, I could really use some Christmas cheer.

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

I'd like to see you give presents to all these sick children.

Melody:

it's so good.

Melody:

So they do the whole sitting on Santa's lap thing.

Melody:

And then at the end they're like, do you want this dust buster?

Melody:

You

Julie:

here's a microwave.

Melody:

This toaster can do four slices at a time.

Melody:

But then this sweet bear at the very end fills them full of the Christmas spirit

Melody:

because he's like, I don't want any toys.

Melody:

I don't want that dust buster.

Melody:

I just want to be home with my family and my dog.

Melody:

And it's just the sweetest thing in the whole wide world.

Melody:

And because of that, all three men get very choked up and very inspired

Melody:

to get back to their loved ones.

Melody:

So they're all at the payphone crying, and it's very cute.

Melody:

J t t can't actually get ahold of his dad.

Melody:

And so she, he talks to his stepmother instead.

Melody:

, and he's like nice to her, but obviously cold.

Melody:

And she's like really doing her best, like asking him his sweater size

Melody:

and like, oh, we're getting ready for you to come home and la da da.

Melody:

And then yeah,

Julie:

a moment and say, I didn't know sweater sizes worked like that

Melody:

I don't think they do, period.

Melody:

The

Julie:

because it's She's like, what sweater size you wear?

Julie:

And he's like, oh, it's still a 38 a.

Julie:

If J t t has never had a 38 measurement on his body ever in his life, anywhere,

Sierra:

Not even height wise,

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

And you know, he's a short king.

Julie:

That's fine.

Julie:

But, uh, yeah, that's one thing cuz this is a like yearly Christmas watch

Julie:

for me, and me and my husband every year are always like, what is this?

Julie:

What does is this for a Christmas blazer?

Julie:

What does this mean?

Melody:

Well, or like that's, that feels like Christmas pants, you know,

Melody:

like you do that for a waistband.

Melody:

Sure.

Julie:

yeah.

Sierra:

pants.

Sierra:

It just doesn't have the same ring to

Sierra:

it.

Sierra:

You know,

Julie:

no,

Melody:

Should we do ugly pants parties now instead?

Julie:

I mean, I don't mind.

Sierra:

I, every, every day is ugly pants party for me.

Melody:

Same

Julie:

so true.

Sierra:

I've got my, my polka dotted leggings on

Sierra:

now.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Nice.

Melody:

Perfect.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So, uh, then criminal Nolan is like, I don't wanna be a criminal anymore.

Melody:

Instead, I wanna get back to whoever I was on the phone with.

Melody:

Goodbye Santa.

Melody:

I love you so much.

Melody:

Thank you for the Christmas spirit.

Melody:

And then the cop is like, please help me get my wife back.

Melody:

She did leave me a month ago, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Melody:

I know she'll come home if Santa himself asks her.

Melody:

And meanwhile, j j T's like, what's happening with all of these adults

Melody:

thinking I'm the literal Santa?

Melody:

I don't understand.

Melody:

So at first he tries to blow him off.

Sierra:

yeah, he gives the the cop a pep talk and he is like, she left.

Sierra:

You have some self-respect until the cop is like, well, I guess I won't drive to

Sierra:

Nebraska then to try to win her back.

Sierra:

And then j t t is like, you said, what now?

Sierra:

Further East

Julie:

You say

Sierra:

Let's repair your marriage, my

Sierra:

friend

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

It's time.

Melody:

I'm here by a marriage

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

So they get there and I love this restaurant so much.

Melody:

I need it to exist in real life.

Sierra:

Turf and Turf

Melody:

Turf and Turf

Julie:

Oh my God.

Julie:

How did I miss that?

Sierra:

What?

Sierra:

I wrote it in all caps.

Sierra:

In my notes.

Sierra:

I was like, Turf.

Sierra:

and turf.

Julie:

I believe.

Julie:

Oh my God.

Julie:

I tell you how many times I've seen this movie.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And all of the waitresses have like cow hats on and it's so cute.

Melody:

I would work

Melody:

there

Sierra:

Can I just say, I know that this is like not the most important

Sierra:

detail in a movie about a Christmas caper, but the cop drives his

Sierra:

patrol car six hours to Nebraska, six hours out of his jurisdiction

Sierra:

to Nebraska,

Julie:

He's not a good police officer.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

He's bad at his job

Julie:

Bad at his.

Sierra:

knock

Melody:

but that actually does feel like a crime.

Melody:

I don't know if I'm correct about that, but that feels like

Sierra:

It's definitely gonna get you in trouble.

Sierra:

Like it's like just wait five seconds and get your real car Also, the mileage on

Sierra:

those cars, the gas mileage is really bad.

Sierra:

Like you're p you know, it's like four miles to the gallon or

Sierra:

whatever, so it's just not a good

Julie:

I feel like that was good though in 1998,

Julie:

like that was decent gas mileage.

Melody:

Fair.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

The, the late nineties for any younger listeners was really the era of SUVs so

Sierra:

massive that you had to power them with like, you know, the, like Venus Rockets

Sierra:

that NASA used in like their early days,

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

And then like the Hummers were actual diesel,

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

Like Nutter Butters.

Sierra:

I mean, huge.

Sierra:

I just, I just remember like parking lots, you know, like all

Sierra:

of the asses of these SUVs would be hanging out of the back lines

Julie:

Like Yukon.

Julie:

Yukon.

Julie:

Yukon.

Sierra:

Oh yeah.

Sierra:

Excursion expedition.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Like, oh my gosh,

Melody:

Catch that.

Melody:

Pathfinder.

Julie:

yeah.

Melody:

Um, so he, okay, so.

Melody:

He goes into the restaurant and he's trying to get Marjorie to come home

Melody:

and Marjorie's like, I know I love her.

Melody:

Oh my God, she deserves so much better

Melody:

than than this disaster asshole.

Melody:

It's fine

Sierra:

Her cheating husband.

Sierra:

So you learned that she has fled to turf and turf as a refuge because

Sierra:

her husband kissed his ex-girlfriend.

Julie:

in front of her.

Sierra:

yeah,

Sierra:

and yeah.

Melody:

Like or you didn't tell me that Officer

Julie:

Yeah.

Sierra:

salient detail

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

She's got a real good reason to have abandoned you.

Melody:

Your dick

Julie:

hour drive to Nebraska to explain that.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

. Yeah, so Jtt, he's like, listen lady, I need a bus ticket.

Melody:

Basically , he's just like, the only way I get a bus ticket

Melody:

to New York is if you go home.

Melody:

He doesn't actually say that out loud though.

Melody:

He's really trying to do the, you know, forgive him.

Melody:

He is such a good guy.

Melody:

Deal.

Melody:

And she throws him out on his face and it was wonderful.

Melody:

And then he sees what kind of band was this?

Melody:

Was this a polka band?

Melody:

What, what kind of, I don't know.

Melody:

It was like there was a fiddle.

Melody:

I think

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

was, there was some good stuff happening,

Julie:

It

Julie:

was a band with instruments.

Sierra:

as someone from a part of the Midwest that is famous for turf and

Sierra:

turf, shall we say, it did very much feel like the Midwest is written by

Sierra:

someone who has never set foot like in the Midwest, and they're like,

Sierra:

okay, the Midwest polka, fiddles cows.

Sierra:

All right, we're done.

Sierra:

That's the Midwest

Melody:

yep.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

But they, my son has not stopped singing this song since the movie has ended.

Melody:

Um, he, so j t t gets this band to back up.

Melody:

The officer, as he frantically, writes lyrics down on his ticket

Melody:

pad and then hands it to him and he's singing, oh, Marjorie, oh,

Melody:

Marjorie, I need you to come home.

Julie:

That song is, is a forever classic in my head.

Melody:

It's by the end, he really gets into it and she's crying.

Melody:

Um, b by the end it gets sau.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

The lyrics that j t t does not write is him being like, I'll

Melody:

make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.

Melody:

And all of the diners were also into it.

Julie:

Yeah.

Sierra:

into it.

Sierra:

There was an, by the end, everyone in the restaurant is

Sierra:

invested in the outcome of this

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

you not be

Melody:

I know.

Melody:

I know.

Melody:

and then JT d's like, and now get down on your knees.

Melody:

And so he, then he sings and, yeah, get down on your knees.

Melody:

Did you see the beautiful look of excitement on that man's face when

Melody:

he thought he was supposed to tell his wife to get her on her knees?

Melody:

At that moment?

Melody:

but no

Sierra:

It was, definitely, you know when you give decorations to a cake

Sierra:

decorator and then you're like, right, happy birthday and yellow or something,

Sierra:

and then they put Right, happy birthday and yellow and icing on the cake.

Sierra:

That's what it felt like.

Melody:

Yep, it's true.

Melody:

But then the officer hits his knees because that is what a good grol

Melody:

requires, and she kisses his face off.

Julie:

she does

Melody:

She's

Julie:

in her little diner uniform.

Melody:

Oh, and then when she hugs him, it, you can't see his face because

Melody:

of the cow ear that's obstructing it.

Melody:

Oh

Julie:

Oh my God.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

The cow ear , like I'm obsessed with this whole thing.

Melody:

Okay, so then he gets his ticket and it is time to get on a bus ticket

Melody:

straight to New York, no stops.

Melody:

Oh, it's

Julie:

This might be my favorite con in the whole movie.

Melody:

Ooh.

Melody:

Yeah.

Julie:

yeah.

Sierra:

But first we have to mention what he sees in the bus station.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Sierra:

Because it explains the need for the con, which is that meanwhile,

Sierra:

I don't know, I can't remember why I was, I was definitely paying all of my

Sierra:

attention to the movie, but sometimes my brain would like back away from the

Sierra:

movie and go into a different corner,

Melody:

Yeah, I hear that.

Sierra:

So for they, maybe it's just cuz they wanted to, but Allie

Sierra:

and Eddie have stopped at Edel Brook a like a Christmas village

Julie:

I mean, you have to stop somewhere on a road trip.

Julie:

Why

Sierra:

guess that's true.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

So they've, they've stopped and they're actually having

Sierra:

a little bit of a good time.

Sierra:

Like Eddie is kind of being a fun guy and Jessica deals enjoying herself.

Sierra:

And, uh, there is missile toe and there is a local news

Sierra:

station filming the whole thing.

Sierra:

And so Eddie and Allie share a little smooch under the missile toe for the

Sierra:

benefit of a local news reporter who's

Sierra:

like,

Julie:

the kiss

Julie:

cam.

Julie:

You know, like you can't, it's, it's hard to say no to the

Sierra:

It's hard to say no, but this is broadcast to the bus station

Sierra:

where J t T is boarding the bus.

Sierra:

So J t t sees his girlfriend kissing this guy who owns a Pathfinder, and

Sierra:

he is like, I gotta get to this place

Sierra:

. I

Melody:

like, I'll kill him.

Melody:

Ah.

Melody:

So he gets on this bus and the bus driver's not having it.

Melody:

He's like, no, this is one one way to New York.

Melody:

No stops, no funny business.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

And we're not going to Edel Brook, obviously

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

why would we do that of all things?

Melody:

Geez.

Melody:

So JT T looks around and he sees a kid with some crayons, and then he sees a

Melody:

cooler coming out from the top of the luggage thing, and then he sees a man

Melody:

that I actually can't explain what the actual fuck was happening with that man.

Melody:

What was that?

Melody:

It was like a toast with like an actual liver on it.

Melody:

It looked like, like, Uh, a raw

Julie:

Like a canned meat of some sort, but an organ for

Sierra:

like steak tartar.

Sierra:

You know how when you get on a

Sierra:

bus, you just really wanna have some steak tartar,

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

my go-to, frankly.

Julie:

Always.

Sierra:

classic road trip food.

Sierra:

I would say steak tartar.

Melody:

And so my favorite part is that we just get that to a cut scene of j t t

Melody:

finishing the, the top of his masterpiece.

Melody:

So we still, to this day, years later, have no idea how j t t wrestled that

Melody:

organ meat out of that man's clutches.

Melody:

How did he do it?

Julie:

I don't

Melody:

there more

Julie:

Was there had to be more, surely he had his steak, charar had a nap.

Julie:

and then j t t took like, you know,

Melody:

The backup state

Julie:

Of the stake charar.

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

Okay.

Melody:

The backup stuff, absolutely.

Melody:

I mean, it was rough since the guy was carrying it in his back pocket.

Melody:

, okay.

Julie:

As you do as one does

Sierra:

That's traditionally, traditionally, that is the way you,

Sierra:

you would store such things, right?

Sierra:

Is this, is it tartar that you would actually store it underneath the

Sierra:

saddle of your horse while it was raw?

Julie:

my god.

Julie:

I thought you

Julie:

were making

Melody:

what is it?

Melody:

Not a bit.

Melody:

Is this real

Julie:

You have to stop this

Julie:

can't be real

Melody:

dunno if you're teaching me something or

Melody:

pulling the wool over my eyes.

Julie:

Me too.

Sierra:

IM so sure that it's tartar that traditionally it was sort between.

Sierra:

The, like the spine of your horse and it's saddle.

Sierra:

I know I'm right.

Sierra:

I know I'm

Julie:

okay.

Julie:

Good.

Sierra:

a saddle

Melody:

No, you're right.

Melody:

That is the

Melody:

traditional saddle pad.

Melody:

That's how my nana taught me.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Julie:

Every time you do something like this, I have to remind

Julie:

myself that I chose this life.

Julie:

I chose to be friends with you.

Julie:

Oh

Sierra:

We all learned something today,

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

That you think is true.

Sierra:

Anyway, so maybe this man was actually like an invading

Sierra:

horse bound barbarian who was just storing his meat the traditional

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

He lost his trustee steed.

Melody:

He had to come up with a backup plan.

Julie:

get on

Julie:

a,

Sierra:

a, it was

Sierra:

bus.

Melody:

Get on, a bus.

Melody:

Take that saddle pad.

Melody:

Um, so

Julie:

So J T T gets the cooler, the crayons and the steak tartar, and we see

Julie:

him riding out like, what does it say?

Julie:

Like organ donor, something

Julie:

like en route

Melody:

Allie.

Melody:

Allie, whoever needs this liver, get me their stat.

Julie:

Yeah, it's a heart.

Julie:

It's supposed to be a heart, and it does look a little bit like a heart.

Melody:

Yes.

Julie:

So j t t like the hero he is.

Julie:

Does he just set it in the aisle and then someone else sees it?

Melody:

Yep.

Melody:

Yep.

Melody:

It's this nice lady next to him is like, oh my God, is this yours?

Melody:

Are you, are you on this beautiful mission to save a young girl's life?

Melody:

And he's like, oh, well, I'm glad someone noticed.

Melody:

Uh, dust is his shoulders off.

Melody:

And so now the whole bus is behind him.

Melody:

There is a military man who's like, you must stop this bus because

Melody:

we are all gonna be heroes today.

Melody:

And the whole bus pressures this bus driver to go to Edel Brook or wherever

Melody:

the, wherever the hell they are.

Melody:

And Jessica Beal and Ed Man have been put in the honeymoon suite together.

Sierra:

there was only one room left.

Sierra:

There was only one room left, and it happened to

Sierra:

be the.

Sierra:

Sweet.

Melody:

And there was only one bed.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

It is really cute though, because she's like, wow, I never

Melody:

thought I would feel so safe with you in the same bed with me.

Melody:

And it pans over to him and he's basically got like an entire parka on and he's like,

Melody:

do you need me to put on any more clothes?

Melody:

And she's like, no, no, I think you're fine.

Julie:

See, Eddie is the hero.

Julie:

I'm just like,

Julie:

there is a universe where Eddie is the hero.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Sierra:

I

Sierra:

will say if we were to insert, if we were to splice in maybe spicier content,

Melody:

Mm.

Sierra:

I would like to see some Eddie Jessica bee like action.

Melody:

Most

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

,definitely.

Melody:

That kiss was good.

Julie:

It was good.

Sierra:

It was a good kiss.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

okay, so he gets there.

Melody:

He goes in, he finds her

Julie:

whole van, or the whole bus is like cheering for

Julie:

him.

Julie:

Like good luck to you.

Julie:

Good sir?

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

Save that tiny girl's life.

Melody:

so he gets in there, he gets to the room and he's like, where is he?

Melody:

I'm gonna kill him.

Melody:

And she's like, oh my God.

Melody:

Where did you come from?

Melody:

How is this happening?

Julie:

You're dressed is Santa

Melody:

Why, why are

Sierra:

And Shirley, by this point doesn't smell great.

Sierra:

Like this is like, it's been two solid days, maybe that he's been in the

Sierra:

same suit and it does not look like a suit that wicks moisture or, you know,

Julie:

No, not at all.

Julie:

And I think that he just walks into the room and starts eating something.

Julie:

Am I misremembering that?

Julie:

Maybe.

Julie:

Possibly.

Julie:

He's just like food,

Julie:

putting food in my mouth.

Melody:

I can't believe you didn't immediately go to the bathroom.

Melody:

You know what

Sierra:

right.

Sierra:

Julie, you, you live in a house with someone who owns a Santa suit.

Sierra:

What is the, like likelihood that those will smell after two

Sierra:

days of being worn, do you think?

Julie:

I mean, I have no science behind this, but those are meant to

Julie:

be worn for like 30 minutes at a time.

Melody:

absolutely.

Melody:

Like you, you honestly don't wanna be the last kid at the end of Santa's shift.

Melody:

It's gnarly over

Melody:

there.

Julie:

Yeah,

Sierra:

no,

Sierra:

no.

Sierra:

And he's been wrestling people for steak tartar and like

Melody:

he was out in the de.

Melody:

We started

Melody:

in the

Sierra:

laying in the ground.

Julie:

He threw up in a purse, you know what I

Julie:

mean?

Sierra:

yeah.

Sierra:

Like we haven't been moving from sterile room to sterile room in the

Julie:

he was hit by a van

Melody:

Yeah.

Julie:

just thrown 30 feet.

Sierra:

And we have to assume when he sat in the van that that seat was also

Sierra:

filled with tomatoes or something.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Condiments at least.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So she's like, it's not what it looks like.

Melody:

And then Eddie comes out of that bathroom like the king.

Melody:

He is

Melody:

in just a

Julie:

Like a fucking peacock.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

boy.

Melody:

and j G T's like, you kissed my girl.

Melody:

Ugh, how dare you?

Melody:

And Eddie's like, oh, I can't believe that you are here.

Melody:

And he's given him some lip, I'll tell you that

Melody:

much.

Melody:

And so j t t does what I think was probably a misstep here.

Melody:

And he pans Eddie, he takes the towel right off of him and

Melody:

shows his penis to everyone.

Melody:

And I feel like that could have gone sideways for him.

Melody:

You

Sierra:

Yeah.

Julie:

I mean?

Julie:

if Eddie is who I think he is, do you wanna reveal that to

Julie:

everyone?

Julie:

You know, I'm just, I'm, I understand that these people are minors when

Julie:

they told this movie, trying to walk the line here, but I'm just saying

Melody:

No, Eddie, the character Eddie, the character's packing and like there's

Melody:

noth, there's nothing else to it.

Julie:

yeah, yeah,

Sierra:

and so here's a, here's a double lesson, is that you shouldn't pans

Sierra:

people because it's like, you know, technically sexual assault or whatever.

Sierra:

But then also it might come back to bite you.

Sierra:

You might not get the reaction that you thought you were

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

Exactly.

Melody:

you might make someone extra curious

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Sierra:

yeah.

Sierra:

Anyway, we, we can't be sure there was a strategic phase.

Sierra:

This is a Disney movie.

Sierra:

I watched this on Disney Plus.

Sierra:

So there's not actually any nudity.

Sierra:

You just know that Patal is gone.

Julie:

I didn't watch this on Disney Plus because I own it, which is.

Melody:

yes.

Melody:

Yes.

Julie:

is something I'm choosing to admit.

Sierra:

did you, did you own it as a young person?

Sierra:

Julie?

Julie:

oh, we've gone from v h s to D V D, the Blu-ray to a

Julie:

digital copy.

Sierra:

this in one of those, like white, I wanna say almost like puffy cases, you

Sierra:

know, that Disney had where they were like

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

The, the clam

Julie:

think, I think that those are only reserved for like animated Disney features

Julie:

cuz like heavyweights didn't come in one, what's the, the big Green

Julie:

Doesn't even remember that one.

Julie:

I also love that.

Julie:

Oh man, I'm just going into like Disney Live action,

Sierra:

Well, there was like a, like j t t was in this like Huck Finn movie,

Sierra:

um,

Julie:

That's a choice.

Sierra:

that also had a clam shell, and I felt like that was Disney.

Sierra:

Yeah, it had like, God, who was in Emmett

Julie:

I should say that my VHS copy was probably also like one of

Julie:

the ones you buy from Blockbuster.

Julie:

That's like in the old Blockbuster

Melody:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Julie:

So we didn't have a lot of a puffed

Sierra:

Oh my God.

Julie:

We, we, we, we, our blood wasn't that rich.

Sierra:

Anne Hayes, Ron Pearlman.

Sierra:

Robbie Coltrane,

Julie:

Sierra, Simone, where

Sierra:

sorry.

Melody:

That's who's in Huck Finn with?

Melody:

With J t T, right?

Sierra:

I do have a quick research note to add in.

Sierra:

Uh, uh, the dish steak tartar originated with Genghis Kong's,

Sierra:

uh, Mongol warriors who conquered

Sierra:

Europe

Melody:

They rode a lot of horses.

Sierra:

legend states that the tartars or mounted nomads would secrete a piece

Sierra:

of horse meat under the saddle prior to a day's mooting by nightfall, it

Sierra:

would be tenderized into a paste and it could be eaten with, uh, horse milk

Melody:

God damnit, you're so good at writing and your brain is so

Melody:

awesome that I still don't know whether you're teaching me something

Melody:

or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Sierra:

I wish I was this good to incept some like j t t conman energy into our

Sierra:

podcast about j jt t's conman energy to give you this whole story about this

Julie:

I just wanna put it out

Julie:

there that if you've ever wondered what it's like to do copy edits

Julie:

with Sierra Simone, this is it.

Julie:

This right here, this is it.

Julie:

It's too much

Melody:

sounds like an actual dream.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

Okay, So by the end of this conversation in the hotel room, she finds out

Melody:

that the real reason he's going back to New York is not for family or

Melody:

Christmas cheer or the love of her.

Melody:

It is for that Porsche.

Melody:

And she's like, Ugh.

Melody:

Like, you didn't change at all.

Melody:

You're the worst.

Melody:

Actually, I have to read what she said because she, she

Melody:

steals his seat on the bus,

Melody:

and as her mic drop moment, she says, I can't take fake

Melody:

remorse from a fake Santa giving.

Melody:

Fake apologies.

Melody:

You might be a fake boyfriend, but you're a genuine butthole hole.

Julie:

Oh

Sierra:

It's a good speech.

Sierra:

That's a good burn.

Melody:

it's so good.

Julie:

I guarantee you at Disney that screenwriter had a fight for butthole.

Julie:

Yeah, I've worked with the mouse.

Julie:

I can tell you for sure.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Oh my God.

Melody:

And also, um, my six-year-old was very impressed, uh, very excited and

Melody:

stoked about his new vocabulary word.

Melody:

So that's

Melody:

gonna

Julie:

doesn't?

Julie:

Who doesn't love a good

Julie:

butthole insult?

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Wait till he takes it to school.

Melody:

Oh man, that's gonna be a treat.

Melody:

Ooh, so good.

Melody:

So then he and Eddie Bond over ladies being ruthless,

Melody:

it's very cute and very funny.

Melody:

He gets in the car with Eddie and they're like jamming out to whatever

Melody:

boy music, they're listening to

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Sierra:

Not, not aqua.

Sierra:

I can tell you

Melody:

yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

he's like, man, Eddie, this is so cool.

Melody:

Like, you're being so awesome and I can get home with you.

Melody:

I'll get home on time and I will get my Porsche and it'll be

Julie:

Just a couple of fellas trying to get home for Christmas.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And so Eddie does a big swerve.

Melody:

Onto the side of a road and he's like, Nope, gotta get out.

Melody:

I thought I liked this.

Melody:

Don't you

Melody:

gotta get out?

Julie:

God.

Julie:

I love Eddie.

Julie:

Oh my God.

Melody:

And his reasoning is that, first of all, helping someone

Melody:

would be bad for his reputation.

Sierra:

off brand.

Sierra:

It's off brand for Eddie.

Sierra:

And Eddie is, he's all about his brand.

Sierra:

He knows

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And the second thing is, he says, he says, and also, why would I

Melody:

help you get a Porsche so that you can be cooler than me back

Melody:

at school?

Sierra:

Why would I help?

Sierra:

The competition

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

That's not gonna help the

Melody:

Nah,

Sierra:

Oh man, I can't believe that it took me until now to see that

Sierra:

Eddie is actually like Julie Murphy.

Sierra:

Catnip.

Julie:

I

Sierra:

I knew Jtt was, but Eddie,

Sierra:

I should have

Sierra:

known.

Julie:

listen.

Julie:

The third person thing, I just can't help.

Julie:

I find it hilariously charming.

Julie:

And not in like a, not in like a, I'm so charmed, you're so smooth kind of way.

Julie:

But Justin, in like, I'm smarter than you and I like this feeling.

Julie:

And also I like watching you peck at the ground and try to be a cool boy.

Julie:

you know, I just like, I'm big and dumb.

Melody:

Oh, and

Melody:

Eddie fits the bill

Julie:

yeah,

Melody:

nicely.

Melody:

Oh, it's so good.

Melody:

So now the only way that j g D is gonna get home is if he wins this Santa Race.

Melody:

Alright?

Melody:

There's a small town Santa Race, and he has to win it.

Melody:

there's a guy who buys his entrance because j t t tries to make up a

Melody:

story about his receipt getting burned down in his whole house.

Melody:

It does not work though because he's losing his touch, man.

Melody:

The further he gets to the east coast, the more he

Melody:

loses his touch.

Julie:

the longer the Santa suit stays on,

Melody:

It's true.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So this guy buys his entrance and they're running the whole time.

Melody:

They get to the end and, j t t like loses his hat.

Melody:

You have to have the hat on in order To

Melody:

um, win.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And so ps it's been shenanigans up until this point.

Melody:

Like there's a Santa crash, there's a lot of nonsense that's

Julie:

there's one Santa that's in like a spandex Santa suit, and he's like the

Julie:

athlete who's gonna win the whole thing.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

. Yeah.

Julie:

. Melody: But then he gets cocky and

Julie:

sort, some sign that's pointing into the North Pole or something.

Julie:

And so then the nice guy is like, oh no, that Santa has lost his hat.

Julie:

I have to look back at him and be like, is he okay?

Julie:

And then j t t picks up that hat and sprints and gets by

Julie:

him right at the end and wins.

Julie:

And it's a thousand dollars cash.

Sierra:

It's a thousand dollars.

Sierra:

This is the point where my husband came in and sat next to

Sierra:

me and then started offering his,

Sierra:

you know, like

Sierra:

logical, like ,middle-aged man commentary on everything.

Sierra:

And he was like, why did the mayor slow down?

Sierra:

Like, why did he slow down?

Sierra:

Why did he look back?

Sierra:

Why did he just keep running?

Sierra:

It's like, cuz it was in the script, son, like it was in the script.

Sierra:

I don't know what to tell you.

Melody:

He's just a warmhearted Good guy.

Sierra:

He just wanted to make sure j t t was okay.

Sierra:

By the way, J t t's Santa Hat was glued on.

Sierra:

So it but then

Sierra:

had been ripped off.

Sierra:

Yeah, it had been ripped off by Jessica Beal earlier.

Sierra:

So if he had not been a jerk to Jessica Beal and caused her to rip off the hat,

Sierra:

he could have won the race more easily.

Sierra:

I think there's a lesson in there.

Melody:

It would've been much less of a nail bit.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

So then he gets in a cab after he gets all of his money and he's back there

Melody:

and he's just like counting his condos.

Melody:

He's very proud of himself.

Melody:

And then the taxi driver's like, oh, you, you beat the mayor, or whatever.

Melody:

And he was like, oh, he's the mayor, huh?

Melody:

He's like, yeah, we really love it when he wins because he gives all

Melody:

of his, all the winnings to charity to feed hungry cats or something.

Melody:

I don't know.

Melody:

I don't

Julie:

On Christmas,

Sierra:

it's, uh, it's, uh, turkeys.

Sierra:

He gets turkeys for families who

Sierra:

can't afford

Melody:

that's the one.

Melody:

It is . Yeah.

Melody:

And so J G G has this moment where he is like, all of my problems are solved.

Melody:

I can just go to the airport right now.

Melody:

But, oh no.

Melody:

I think my heart has grown at least two sizes so far.

Melody:

Oh, I hate it.

Melody:

So he goes and he has the taxi driver take him to the mayor's house and

Melody:

he gives him back all the money.

Sierra:

The mayor who has an awesome house, by the way, this is like, this is

Sierra:

where if Jessica Beal had been running the Santa Race, she would've been asking some

Sierra:

deeper questions like, why this mayor with so much structural power still has so much

Sierra:

poverty in his town, and the only way he can alleviate poverty is by winning a race

Sierra:

to give people turkeys for one day a year.

Sierra:

Like

Julie:

And only a thousand dollars of turkeys.

Julie:

Like how many turkeys is that

Sierra:

I mean, I don't know, it was 1998.

Sierra:

Maybe it was the Turkey boom.

Sierra:

Who knows, like maybe

Julie:

The Turkey boom is 98.

Melody:

Yeah, it's really true.

Melody:

But J T D asked no questions.

Melody:

He's like, you're the man.

Melody:

And I love it.

Melody:

So he's stranded again.

Melody:

He has no money and he calls home and his sister answers the phone.

Melody:

His little sister, she's the precocious, smaller one.

Melody:

It's very cute.

Melody:

And she's like, man, you really are like kind of dicked out there, aren't you?

Melody:

And he's like, yeah, it wasn't a story.

Melody:

like, I cannot get home.

Melody:

So she's like, I've got some piggy bank nonsense.

Melody:

Because when your dad works for the vice president, you have

Melody:

bank

Julie:

Yeah.

Sierra:

I mean, and they're, they're not living in a bad house.

Sierra:

I mean, I cringe looking at it because I grew up in houses like

Sierra:

that, and I'm like, oh, the, the wallpaper, the spindles, everything.

Sierra:

But it's a nice house out, like in the New York City burbs like.

Sierra:

No one is doing that bad for themselves in this

Sierra:

family.

Sierra:

So

Julie:

of the two.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Like she's definitely like s scrolled away her money while j t t has

Julie:

been like gambling his money away.

Julie:

You know what I mean?

Julie:

So she's, she's got enough stored up to save the day.

Melody:

It's really cute.

Melody:

So She

Sierra:

She would be like, she would get her own book, you know, like,

Sierra:

uh, like a book three or book four,

Sierra:

like at when she goes to college.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

She would go to college and get her own book.

Melody:

Oh, I

Julie:

What if book four is, oh no, I can't, I can't say

Julie:

this out loud, but I will.

Julie:

What if book four is her and like, uh, Eddie, but she's definitely

Julie:

like over 18, you know what I mean?

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

She's in college.

Sierra:

He's older.

Julie:

Yeah, like at an internship.

Julie:

Oh my God.

Melody:

Oh,

Julie:

writing itself.

Julie:

It's writing itself.

Julie:

This is a problem.

Melody:

See, my first instinct was Ian after a glow up.

Melody:

But yeah, I think

Melody:

you're,

Sierra:

Oh yeah,

Julie:

But brother's, brother's enemy is so much better than brother's.

Julie:

Best

Melody:

that's what I'm saying.

Melody:

And we would be pining for Eddie's book, if you like, seated

Melody:

him into book two and three.

Melody:

The readers would be like, what the fuck?

Melody:

When does Eddie get his book?

Melody:

And then he gets

Melody:

it.

Julie:

This is

Julie:

definitely how peculiar tastes happened.

Julie:

By the way,

Melody:

This is literally how it happened.

Melody:

Zoom call's gone Wild

Sierra:

I just have to say, I think Ian is destined to end up with one of the jocks.

Sierra:

He like helps them

Sierra:

with homework

Sierra:

or something.

Melody:

Oh yes.

Julie:

oh my God.

Julie:

. Wow.

Julie:

We're all so smart and

Melody:

God.

Sierra:

I know.

Sierra:

Let's write a book series.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

Okay,

Julie:

Okay,

Julie:

. Okay.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

Little

Melody:

All right, where are we?

Melody:

Oh, yeah.

Melody:

So she buys him a plane ticket and she's like, don't worry, it's pre

Melody:

nine 11, so you don't need an id.

Melody:

I'll just give you a password.

Melody:

And the password is like, I'm a poop sniffer.

Melody:

Who is the worst?

Melody:

And like,

Julie:

who loves buttholes?

Melody:

that's right.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

And so the lady's like, oh, great, you are you, um, you do however

Melody:

still need an ID to get onto the plane.

Melody:

And he's like, duh.

Melody:

Policy's the worst.

Melody:

But then he sees a faded Great Dane or some sort of other pooch that's

Julie:

just have to say I've gotten on an airplane post nine

Julie:

11 without an ID before, so J T T just wasn't conning hard enough.

Melody:

Wow.

Sierra:

what you compromised the security of our nation,

Julie:

the the whole nation, all 50 states

Julie:

just to get on a plane to New Orleans?

Sierra:

Were you like a baby?

Sierra:

Like were you like a kid and you were

Julie:

No, I was a grown ass adult like four years ago.

Sierra:

What?

Melody:

How did they

Julie:

my, I forgot my license at home.

Julie:

So they pulled, okay, we're, I'm getting into the weeds with this, but they pulled

Julie:

me to the side at t s A and I was like, my flight board's in literally 20 minutes and

Julie:

I forgot my idea at home, what do I do?

Julie:

And they pulled me to the side and they started questioning me and they're

Julie:

like, we're gonna ask you questions.

Julie:

Only Julie Murphy would know.

Julie:

And they, like, they had my, I don't know, I gave them my social security number.

Julie:

I

Melody:

Well, it was weird when that TSA agent pulled out a copy

Melody:

of Dumpling, you know what I mean?

Julie:

yeah, very bizarre.

Julie:

No, they were like, one of them was like on the phone with like

Julie:

the White House or Washington, dc I don't know, somewhat important.

Julie:

And, but they made my husband stand around the corner so that we couldn't see each

Julie:

other and make like eye contact and like weird blinking messages to each other.

Julie:

And then they proceeded to ask me, I'm awful at, like, if it, the only

Julie:

number I know is my social security number and I'm awful at dates.

Julie:

I can't even tell you.

Julie:

Like what year we got married.

Julie:

And they proceeded to ask me questions.

Julie:

I definitely didn't know, like, what year did you buy your house?

Julie:

Like,

Julie:

uh, things like this.

Julie:

And then finally I was like, okay, I never, I've only ever done this

Julie:

one other time in my life, but literally just look at my Wikipedia

Melody:

yes.

Julie:

like there's a photo ID right there.

Julie:

It's real, it's authentic.

Julie:

You can extensively Google me and finally they let me through, but yeah,

Melody:

That's awesome.

Melody:

Oh my gosh.

Julie:

So anyways, j t T should have just tried harder.

Melody:

he really should have.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

I mean, I managed to get a steak knife through three

Melody:

airports one summer accidentally

Julie:

Oh my God.

Melody:

So

Julie:

Like without you knowing

Julie:

it.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

So the, the thing was, was that I went to, uh, a dance convention

Melody:

where you need things like cheese knives if you're up till three in

Melody:

the morning, like you have to have snacks.

Melody:

Okay.

Melody:

And then I did accidentally leave that knife in my carry-on

Melody:

when I packed to go all over the

Melody:

country, first summer.

Melody:

And nobody caught it.

Melody:

Not a

Melody:

single airport knew about my secret

Julie:

really

Julie:

impressive.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

We should travel together.

Melody:

yeah,

Julie:

together.

Melody:

I'll come on your next writing retreat.

Melody:

Don't worry,

Julie:

Perfect.

Melody:

So he somehow gets into that kennel and they are, he's on the plane

Melody:

now and the dog is adorable and licking his face and farting, and both my

Melody:

son and I thought it was hilarious.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

it was the real Disney magic was that dog.

Melody:

Well, truly, yeah.

Sierra:

This is where the husband commentary was like derailing the

Sierra:

viewing experience because he was like, no one loading up that crate.

Sierra:

noticed the full size human in a Santa suit, like also in the crate.

Julie:

Listen, this is why he's not a writer.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

Suspend your logic, buddy.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

It can happen.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

You just gotta believe

Melody:

All right.

Melody:

So now he tries to get on a train and this one really fucks him up.

Melody:

Like somehow the train guy, not, not t s a, nobody at the airport had any problems,

Melody:

but the train guy was like, not this time.

Melody:

So he throws him off the train and j t t does end up riding

Melody:

on the ceiling of a car.

Julie:

but yeah, he's holding onto the hood of a car in his Santa suit,

Julie:

which I guarantee you is the moment that the screenwriter, like that was

Julie:

the initial moment the screenwriter had

Melody:

Oh,

Julie:

when they were like, I have to write this movie.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

They like, they knew what the trailer was gonna look like in their head and this was

Sierra:

like one of the clips from the trailer.

Sierra:

Surely if they didn't put that clip in the trailer, they did a bad job.

Julie:

yeah.

Melody:

Uh, yeah,

Melody:

absolutely.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Melody:

So then he, like, he has to, he has to tuck and roll off the,

Melody:

off the ceiling of that car.

Melody:

And then he seals a one horse open sleigh.

Melody:

And Jessica Bees, like parting lying to him was like, I wouldn't believe you

Melody:

cared about me, even if you showed up in a one-horse open sleigh or like Santa ah,

Julie:

so good.

Melody:

Ugh.

Melody:

So he does, and she's like, I'm a lying liar.

Melody:

And you're too cute to stay mad at . And

Julie:

Conaway baby.

Melody:

Uhhuh

Sierra:

away

Melody:

You conned me out of my heart again.

Sierra:

again, though.

Sierra:

Cannot imagine how bad he smells

Sierra:

by this point.

Sierra:

Like just cannot even imagine it.

Sierra:

It's been like four days in the Santa suit.

Melody:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

You should know that like one of Sierra's, like big pet

Julie:

peeves is like daily showers and changing her clothes like every day.

Julie:

Like if we go on a trip, there's no reusing anything, anything.

Sierra:

No, you know, that as a form of sort of like primitive deodorant that,

Sierra:

uh, like aristocrats in the 17 hundreds would just wear many linen underlayers.

Sierra:

And the way that you've stopped yourself from just being the smelliest

Sierra:

person was by changing those linen underlayers because the clothes

Sierra:

that are closest to your skin absorb the bacteria that make you smell.

Sierra:

And so it's important to change the clothes that touch your skin.

Sierra:

That is like half the battle tours not smelling.

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

That makes sense.

Julie:

It does.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

old

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

science man.

Melody:

I'm into it.

Sierra:

I actually learned this from a Mary Roach book.

Sierra:

If people don't read Mary Roach books, highly recommend.

Sierra:

They're the most fun and the best.

Sierra:

This one was called Packing for Mars and it was all about space travel

Sierra:

and like how are astronauts gonna be up in space and not smell the worst?

Sierra:

Um, anyway, Mary Roach, they're great audio books

Melody:

Awesome.

Melody:

That's really cool.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

So then he and Jessica Beal go to his house and she's like, wow, it's 5 59.

Melody:

I guess you made it here on time.

Melody:

Good job.

Melody:

And he's like, why don't you be a deer and tell me when it's after six?

Sierra:

cause I've, I've changed Baby

Julie:

I'm a changed man.

Julie:

I had hacked, I had hashtag character development when I gave

Julie:

that money back to the mayor.

Julie:

You know, I've grown as a man.

Melody:

It's so cute.

Melody:

And she's like, you've never been sexier.

Melody:

And she's right.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

So they go into the house after six, the dad still tries to

Melody:

give him the car, and j t t makes his parental dreams come true because

Melody:

he says, no, no, it's not ready yet.

Melody:

We're gonna need a lot more Christmases together before

Melody:

that car gets its full glam up

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

Before it gets its full.

Julie:

Like TLC makeover.

Sierra:

it's, it's ready for its face reveal

Sierra:

or whatever.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And then his sister is the only sane one because she hugs him and then pushes him

Melody:

as far as she can across the room and

Melody:

says, you stink.

Sierra:

You weren't wearing 17 hundreds linen under things underneath the suit.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

It's true.

Melody:

And that was a mistake on

Sierra:

It was a mistake,

Melody:

They

Melody:

didn't

Julie:

Did you wrong?

Julie:

No.

Sierra:

and then he and the stepmother have another moment where they

Sierra:

talk about sweater sizes, which I think is supposed to indicate that

Sierra:

they're gonna build a relationship

Melody:

Yeah.

Sierra:

here.

Julie:

sweater sizes like unusually sized sweaters,

Melody:

Well, that's

Melody:

the best part though, because she says, or he says, it's a 36, by

Melody:

the way, my sweater size is 36.

Melody:

And then he says, what's your sweater size for future reference?

Melody:

And then she says, eight.

Sierra:

Eight, which is like a normal

Sierra:

top size

Julie:

yeah.

Julie:

Also, I'm pretty sure sweaters come in like medium,

Julie:

large, like, okay, you know what I am, I am very confused by the

Julie:

sizing it Talbots or wherever this

Julie:

woman is getting

Sierra:

I was gonna say, maybe he is gonna get her like an expensive sweater from

Sierra:

some expensive department store where.

Sierra:

, Julie: Yeah.

Sierra:

sized

Julie:

Right,

Sierra:

they're made of like alpaca wool or

Sierra:

whatever.

Sierra:

. Julie: Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Seriously?

Sierra:

I will say though, like I think we're supposed to feel

Sierra:

like j t t is being unreasonably hard on his dad for remarrying,

Sierra:

but 10 months after his mom died,

Julie:

That's a lot.

Sierra:

met someone, been engaged and then get married, like that

Sierra:

is a pretty short amount of time.

Sierra:

I would also be a little suspicious of the timeline.

Sierra:

It's a little bit of like Olivia Wild Harry Styles

Julie:

Mm-hmm.

Julie:

.Mm-hmm.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

Yeah, yeah.

Melody:

I mean, ugh.

Melody:

It's rough all the way around.

Melody:

But you know, he works for the vice president, like,

Sierra:

He

Sierra:

works with vice

Julie:

It's fine.

Julie:

It's gonna

Sierra:

yeah,

Melody:

yeah.

Sierra:

his, his story is the novella, you

Sierra:

know, like he gets the novella.

Sierra:

Yeah.

Sierra:

Dad widowed, single dad.

Melody:

Ah-huh.

Sierra:

Gets swept off his feet by someone who just really loves sweaters.

Melody:

Absolutely.

Melody:

And

Melody:

has outlandish ideas of sizing.

Julie:

And then, the, the sister series to this can be your new Camelot series.

Julie:

Sierra.

Sierra:

Yes, yes, yes,

Julie:

yes.

Julie:

yes.

Julie:

yes.

Melody:

Ooh,

Julie:

All right.

Julie:

things are getting spicy.

Melody:

We did it

Julie:

Yeah.

Julie:

We solved the problem

Julie:

of, of I'll be home for Christmas.

Melody:

I'll tell you what, we got a lot accomplished today.

Melody:

We've planned an entire new series.

Julie:

Yeah.

Melody:

we found the secret of like, you know, working with friends and it is yes.

Melody:

Anding each other

Melody:

into oblivion.

Melody:

, Julie: yeah.

Melody:

I learned about mate,

Sierra:

Stake tartar.

Sierra:

I guess

Sierra:

it would've been horse.

Sierra:

Horse tartar

Sierra:

for Genus Khan.

Julie:

Oh.

Sierra:

Is it a little weird to like tenderize your horse meat using

Sierra:

a living horse?

Sierra:

Yeah.

Melody:

No, I think that's just resourceful, you know?

Melody:

Plus it really keeps the horses in line like, you know what could happen to you,

Julie:

You could be.

Julie:

You could be what I'm tenderizing

Julie:

right.

Julie:

now instead of the tenderizer.

Melody:

throw me.

Melody:

I'll tell you, but I'll tell you that much

Sierra:

That's great.

Sierra:

I, I like that.

Sierra:

That makes me happy.

Julie:

We like horses.

Julie:

Just everyone knows, by the way.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

No,

Melody:

not mm-hmm.

Melody:

I mean,

Sierra:

I mean, yeah, if I have to

Melody:

Yeah.

Sierra:

if I, if I'm stranded in a cold place and I have to like

Sierra:

crawl into it like Luke Skywalker does with the white furry animal,

Sierra:

then

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

And isn't there that, um, that Jack London book too,

Julie:

Oh,

Melody:

or he does that with a

Melody:

horse?

Melody:

We don't

Sierra:

London.

Sierra:

See, everyone's teasing me for knowing about 17 hundreds linen under things.

Sierra:

I have never even read a Jack London book, Anyway, the point

Sierra:

is, is that I'm neutral to horses.

Sierra:

I'm not gonna go outta my way to like hunch it like I'm someone at the

Sierra:

Olympics, but like, if I gotta eat a horse, that's what happens to me.

Sierra:

You know,

Julie:

Okay.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

It's part of the hero's journey.

Julie:

Yeah,

Melody:

depending on the circumstances.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

Okay.

Julie:

All

Melody:

oh my God.

Melody:

Thank you for coming

Melody:

today.

Melody:

Thank you so much.

Melody:

Oh, thank you for writing this fucking amazing book.

Melody:

I am obsessed with it.

Melody:

I've been telling everybody that you guys wrote the Christmas book.

Melody:

I've always wanted, and yeah.

Melody:

So thank you personally.

Sierra:

Thank you.

Sierra:

We had like a criminal amount of fun writing it.

Sierra:

Like

Sierra:

it feels, I almost feel guilty that it's my job to write these

Sierra:

books because we just absolutely are as silly as we wanna be.

Sierra:

Um, so yeah, it's, it's a very zany book.

Sierra:

Like I think if you, you look at the cover and you're like, this

Sierra:

looks like a professional book that was written by professional people,

Melody:

It was, that's also true

Sierra:

it's,

Sierra:

it's

Sierra:

it's

Melody:

the reader's standpoint.

Sierra:

We were just, you know, and there's no asides about steak tartar.

Sierra:

I can promise that I did spare

Sierra:

everyone that in

Sierra:

this book.

Melody:

I did.

Melody:

Yeah.

Melody:

I'm, I'm kind of hoping Book two has some footnotes or

Melody:

something, you know what I mean?

Melody:

I don't know.

Melody:

Sierra Simone.

Melody:

Footnotes.

Sierra:

I mean, Sears Mountain's footnotes are probably literally

Melody:

Yeah,

Julie:

that's true.

Julie:

That's very true.

Melody:

Listen, you can add, you can add a little fetish in there.

Melody:

It's fine.

Melody:

That's good stuff.

Sierra:

look, melody

Julie:

don't you worry.

Julie:

Yeah, melody said so.

Julie:

It's done.

Julie:

It's done.

Sierra:

so the gloves are off.

Sierra:

Julie

Melody:

Oh my gosh.

Melody:

Okay.

Melody:

Thank you.

Melody:

Thank you.

Melody:

Thank you.

Melody:

Um, yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Sierra:

All right,

Sierra:

bye.

Melody:

Y'all.

Melody:

I had an absurd amount of fun with Julie and Sierra.

Melody:

Um, but you know, while I was editing the episode, I did start to wonder how a

Melody:

horse meet comes up so much on this show.

Melody:

You know what I mean?

Melody:

Whatever.

Melody:

I'm not complaining.

Melody:

So thank you for listening.

Melody:

My lady love for today is take a break if you need one.

Melody:

I was incredibly nervous about taking this hiatus, but it's given

Melody:

me so much energy to put back into the show and the HB community.

Melody:

Overall.

Melody:

Next week I'll be back with Jen Comfort recapping that new Lindsay Lohan

Melody:

Netflix, Christmas movie, falling for Christmas, and I don't care what

Melody:

anyone says, I'm so fucking stoked to.

Melody:

If you want more of heaving bosoms, including giveaways and some sneak peaks

Melody:

of exciting things to come head over to patreon.com/heaving bosoms podcast.

Melody:

All right, keep being a badass and love yourself as much as you love back pocket

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About the Podcast

Heaving Bosoms
A Romance Novel Podcast
Melody Carlisle and Sabrina Bradley love romance and they do it out loud! Every Monday, these long-distance best friends recap romance novels from a comedic, intersectional feminist, sex-positive perspective.
If you're itching for a BFF book club or just love raucous slumber party vibes, this is the show for you! Whether you've read the book or not, all are welcome! Giggling, tangents, and sincere joy abound.
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